In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
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AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Thrilling chase underway