police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
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I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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