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Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.