My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
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me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what