HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
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I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
me irl
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol