age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
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{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away