If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
You Might Also Like
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
FRED: right
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.