[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
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My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Employees must applaud the planets.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.