Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
You Might Also Like
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
🤣🤣🤣
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.