I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
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H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend