*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
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“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.