TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
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Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.