Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
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The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Any refunds available?…
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.