Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
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Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Money is the root of all wealth
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.