I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
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[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Called it
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods