When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
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*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
What
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.