Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.