They grow up so quick
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“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT