This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
You Might Also Like
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck