People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
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Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.