Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
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I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system