The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
You Might Also Like
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
monday
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”