we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
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We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?