Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
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Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I have never heard an armadillo before.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
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Me: Same
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.