monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
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i think we should see other cousins
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I WON A HAM TODAY
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice