Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
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ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.