[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
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That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO