Cartman: Respect my
a a
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When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
😂🤣😂🤣
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*