*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
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“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
as is their right
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”