I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
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*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
My dog after a walk in the woods.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.