My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
You Might Also Like
I’m so full I could puke a horse
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!