Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
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In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
car not found
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will