Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
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invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I will never stop laughing at this
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Discuss
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*