i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
You Might Also Like
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail