The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
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*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
FRED: right
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Tremendous stuff
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light