[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
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According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
@funTweeters
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars