Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
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the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I am patiently waiting for your email
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Order here:
More here:
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…