“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
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What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Respect
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea