If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
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There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I’m not proud
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I could NOT have put it better myself.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Become ungovernable.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!