[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
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Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Nigella has gone too far this time.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.