I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
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My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you