don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
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Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I camp so other people don’t have to.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.