Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
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how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Terribly Tuesday.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
My nickname in high school was “who?”
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.