BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
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The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Can’t. Being lazy.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
where’s Godzilla when we need him