Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
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*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Swedish for common sense.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations