it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
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I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.