I didn’t come here to be called names
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i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
dutch is not a serious language
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say