formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.