Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
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I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My wife gives the best headache.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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.
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I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world: