My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
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Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
the battle rages on
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.